Spring and the Promise of Change.

Ah spring. Don't you love it? Saying goodbye to the long cold winter, putting away your warm gear and enjoying the fresh air on your skin. Riding without 5 layers on. Green grass and warm gentle breezes.... Sigh. If only thats what spring was actually doing. No, instead we had a brief two week window of warmth and then a small snowstorm and now? Colder then average temperatures and windchills hovering in the -25 range. Delightful. We fought valiantly through one of the coldest winters we have experienced only to be brought to the brink by a reluctant spring.

And what a winter it was. Standing here in April, looking back its amazing how bleak and ugly it really was. So many days, weeks, of -29 or colder, so much bloody bone chilling wind, so many struggles. Yeesh.  Cleaning the barn today, struggling against a wind that didn't want me to open doors easily, or drag my stupid manure cart over the frozen dirt I thought back to my last post in the fall and had to laugh.  Oh how naive I was! What seemed like a glorious and warm start to winter (hello riding outside in October in a hoody) turned into every Canadian horse girls nightmare of a winter.

Those goals I wrote about seem like a joke. Was I high? Didn't I feel it coming? Can't I tell by now, after so many Manitoba winters, when a dooms day level winter is coming? Alas it seems I can't.  But I have to be honest. It wasn't just the weather that burst my optimistic little bubble. This winter was hard on a whole other level. Our first winter at this new place, with a half finished barn, we experienced set backs that are probably fairly normal, but still very disheartening. Our barn was colder then expected which led to ice in water buckets, doors that stuck and the hoses that froze. Then our well (that services the barn only) went dry, thanks to a dry fall and very little snow, and we had to switch to town water. My truck died. It was little things that added up.

But then tragedy struck. Right after Christmas my beloved Molly, my 6 1/2 year old Great Dane was diagnosed with a tumour in her leg. I had 2 weeks to say goodbye. She was more then a dog, she was my best friend (other then my husband) .  Always calm, silly and ready to give me a cuddle, she was a bright spot to everyday. She was perfect. How do you say goodbye to that? How do you walk through 2 weeks of lasts? Last ice cream, last snuggles on the couch, last time of me singing 'You are My Sunshine' to her while she sleeps on my lap.....January feels like a black hole.  I can't shake her presence, the calm happy feeling she gave me and I carried with me. Sometimes I swear if I could just look down quick enough, she would be there staring up at me, those big ears drooped back, her face smiling.  Don't try and say she was just a dog. That doesn't fly here, move on. I connect with my animals, they are my family. Mourn with me or bugger off. I don't need the judgement or guilt.

I got a puppy, dreading the silence of the house, worried it would drop me in the same state of depression the loss of Royal did. And it has helped. Daisy is a lovely precious pup. But Molly left a hole in me that only time can slowly fill in.

And now as spring is slowly creeping over us and more change is on the horizon. Anja goes for surgery today to remove a very large tumour from her right ovary.  Its presence explains so much, including her odd behaviour and her not getting pregnant last summer. The blood work the vet pulled 2 weeks ago was inconclusive, so we don't know what type of tumour it is or the prognosis, although the vet is very optimistic.  (did he live through the same winter I did?) But its an expensive endeavour and my husband and I both slumped a little lower when we got the estimate. Do the surgery, we don't need food and heat. Whats a couple more thousand?

The biggest change is still in the works and I can't say too much about it. It may not happen. But sometimes you gotta shit or get off the pot. Why did I start this crazy horse thing anyway? What was the dream? Is time running out, or is this really the perfect timing? I'm trusting God and something he told me many years ago.

Dream Big. A normal life is boring.

A Long Winter And Its Goals

Preface:  I feel the need to write a little warning at the beginning of this post.  I almost never plan ahead like this, especially when my horses are concerned.  I rarely even plan for the next day.  Why? I have had far to many things go wrong, or come up, and COMPLETELY mess with my naive little plan.  So writing this is hard for me because I feel it is me tempting fate.  Well, I'm going to anyways, leaving all of the future in Gods hands and knowing that everyday I get with any of my horses is a blessing. If none of this comes to pass I will still be content. But its nice to dream.....

It's only November 8th but here in Manitoba we have already had a good deal of snow, as well as some pretty cold and blustery days. Everyone in this goofy province seems to be suspicious that we are experiencing 'one of those winter'.  If you are not from here, that's code for a long, cold, snowy winter.  Or, a regular winter. Last year we were blessed with a lovely mild winter that made riding particularly easy to maintain. This year.....well, its why I am writing this post! I want to put down my goal, my hopes and aspirations for the coming year.  Its something to dream about and long for when the cold January wind howls outside my arena.

I thought I would go through each horse and list my hopes and goals for the coming year.  Of course, they may not happen, of this I am well aware.  Horses are heartbreakers, and its easy to set your sites on a goal only to have them injure themselves or colic, or as I have experienced in the past, die. But I feel the need to organize my thoughts for each, so indulge me, please.

My one big goal: possibly showing, and showing a fair bit, next summer.  I have had to put any showing on hold the last number of years due to finances and time.  It was hard to teach/train/board enough to cover the expenses of showing, and also find someone to cover my work at my barn. The last two summers have been spent building my new facility, as well as driving back and forth. I didn't feel it was fair or financially responsible to show on top of everything.  My poor husband was already stretched to his limit! So, next summer might be the time to actually get back into the ring!

Josh
My sweet big guy will be 13 next year, which means I will have owned him for 6 years.  He's made lovely progress, as he had been off work for a year when I got him and only started back in walk-trot when I began training him. This last summer his progress has been fantastic, thanks in part to being able to ride him 4-6 days a week versus maybe 3 times when I was driving back and forth.  I am also no longer using him in lessons, which has also helped greatly!  My goals for him are to continue improving the things I have already been working on with him. I would like to improve his canter half pass, more specifically his right half pass. He struggled with it the last year, only to make a huge leap the last number of months. He now feels smooth, and connected in it. I want to be able to make it more adjustable and maybe a little steeper. I would also like to improve his canter pirouette, again his right one more so. He does a very solid working pirouette left, but right is still a bit big, a bit lacking bend, and a not quite rhythmic enough. Still I am very thrilled with the improvements he has made in them over the last few months. His flying change is finally there, calm and much more collected. This was a difficult exercise for him, with him panicking and bolting the first couple times I tried it. I'm not sure if this was due to a previous training experience or not, but its taken time and really breaking it down step by step.  I'm still very careful to not overdue the changes and I won't even attempt them on a day he doesn't feel very loose and relaxed.  I am also wanting to get his half step trot more stationary, and uphill to get him more into an actual piaffe.  I would love to be able to show him at least 3rd level next summer with the goal of moving him up later in the year.




Winston
My sweet little ottb will be 6 next summer and I would love to be able to show him as well. He does lovely lateral work and my only goal for it would be to increase his flexibility and relaxation in it so he keeps improving.  He already does a solid shoulder in and his haunches in is very steady. He's begun half pass and understands it well, only losing his balance and flexion occasionally. I would love to have it keep improving and getting more expressive.  My bigger goal is to get him more steady and consistent in the canter. He's gone from being stiff and slow, and barely able to pick up his left lead, to being much straighter, reaching more and actually flowing forward.  But he finds it hard to maintain, and right now we only get a couple large circles with a bit of a straight away before we trot and regroup.  All this will come, but thats the goal- to use the lateral work to help balance and strengthen him to improve the canter! I would love to show him as well, with the goal to do first level.





Greyson
My little goofball will be 5!! Its hard to believe! He's had a long slow road, thanks to a tooth that grew in very weirdly, took forever to finish growing in and then broke! He had several months off, and only got cleared for regular riding a couple weeks after getting here. He also grew a LOT the last 6 months, so when I finally got back to regular riding with him we were both feeling like we were starting from scratch. But after only a couple weeks, he's feeling back on form and I am hoping to keep him progressing all winter...man I hope! He's so lovely and sensitive to ride, and I would really like to continue uninterrupted for a while! Goals are to continue improving his trot and lateral work. We currently leg yield at walk and trot quite well and are solid in the shoulder in at walk, working at the trot. Other goals are to keep him improving in those, to add haunches in, and get the canter really going. I would love to show him training level next year, and also trail ride him on my property, something we missed out on this summer thanks to his rowdy tooth!



Ricco
My little Spanish stallion is only just 3 in September so although my goal is to break him this winter, I am in no hurry. He's been growing like a weed, so I am taking my time. He lunges well and has had a saddle on his back already, all with no hassle. He has an amazing temperament and am I so excited to see what the year will bring us! I would like to get him out and about, both on the property and off, for experience. His first year under saddle will hopefully be uneventful and steady, and thats the goal!




Anja
My big girl will hopefully be pregnant! We tried breeding to Sir Gregory but unfortunately she didn't stay pregnant.  Dang it. But it was our first try, and we also learned her one ovary is enlarged and painful. This really solved a couple mysteries for me.  The past couple years Anjas heat cycles have gotten very intense.  She has always been silly and reactive when in heat, but it just seemed beyond anything normal for her. They lasted longer and she seemed to be uncomfortable even after they ended. As well, her flying change right to left was especially sticky, while her left to right where so effortless. It all made me wonder if something else was going on. I had wanted to breed her for years, but with only her and Josh as my riding horses and a worry about cost, I kept putting it off. This summer it all seemed to come together. I had a number of young horses to work with, and she was 12- so the timing seemed perfect.  And when she began to mother a young mare who was at my farm for training, I thought this is the summer. But maybe next summer?? Also before I can get back riding her, I need to get her ovary looked at.



So thats the scoop with my own horses. The year has brought so many changes, most of them positive. Who knows what the next year will bring? Maybe I will finally get the chance to show again.  But even if I don't right now I am content.  I have learned that things happen that are out of our control, and sometimes we just can't do what we dreamed of.  But we can take what happens and bring something positive out of it.

My next posts I hope to branch out into training concepts, and the philosphy behind classical training. Heres hoping the winter is short and mild! I'm already excited for next spring!

A Time of Catch Up

Another delightful (read: COLD) Manitoban winter has begun and I feel like its time to start back into my blog.  Its a little hard to stay motivated when the wind is howling and the temperature is dropping, so I'm hoping writing more will help keep me going. A lot has changed since my last post, so this entry will be just getting up to speed.

A Fresh Start
I am now based completely at my new farm just outside of the town of M. My other farm, closer to the big city and the larger horse community of Manitoba is up for sale, and has been for a while.  It sits empty, as we moved all my horses to the new farm in July.  I no longer make the weekly hour and forty five minute drive back and forth from one place to the other, which I am sure you can imagine, thrills me to no end! Although I am a little sad to see my old farm empty, I have to say I am so much happier with my new place.

My old farm served its purpose.  I built up a business, made friends, but more importantly to me, got to ride and train and develop my training style. The things that do haunt me a bit are the thoughts of what I have left there.  Royal is buried there, as is Sonny Boy, Tapper, Quinn and my old dog Harvey.  Little Savannah and Avalon, lives taken so young and unexpectedly, ended there as well and I don't want them forgotten. Its hard to leave them there, and I worry they will fade from my memory without the little reminders of them I saw daily. Other memories I am more then happy to be rid off. As anyone who has owned their own farm will tell you, the hardest part of the industry is the people. The horse world is full of interesting people and I saw my fair share of them.  The lesson I have learned from the years of dealing with people and their horses is simple: Don't get overly invested in their shit. Sorry! Language, I know right? But honestly, if nothing else I learned that even if you are genuine, trying your best, and being honest with people you can only count on the majority of them if they have something to gain from you.  The few who don't fit into that group, those are the ones who are truly your friends.  The rest you best keep at arms length and not invest much emotion into.  Its why I don't really care what other people are up to with their horses. I'm not into the drama, the petty gossip, or the weird controlling manipulation that goes with it. You do your crap, I'll do mine.  Enjoy and God bless! (I am thinking I might expand on my philosphy in a future post. It sounds harsh, but it actually does make sense if hashed out correctly)

So the new farm! Well, I have double the land, all beautiful and hilly overlooking the local lake. My one pasture has a lovely stream that runs beside it and meanders into a pretty grove of trees.  I have big grassy pastures (ok, right now they are snowy...) and sandy soil, and room to grow.  We built a barn and indoor arena, that still aren't completely done but thanks to my amazing husband J are getting there. I have 7 large box stalls, with 3 more being built in the next month or so.  The feed room and tack room have walls, are insulated but are lacking a roof. That is his project for the week! My arena still needs insulation and lights, but the lights are supposed to start (possibly) next week! Also the viewing room will probably be ready for spring. We fenced 4 large pastures and built 2 run in shelters. Next summer we hope to fence the 10 acres in front of our house, and put up a hay shed. I have 11 chickens and 5 guinea fowl (we lost one this fall) and I just love them! My barn cats are here, and my big goofy dog M.  So its all moving along nicely.

I'm teaching a good number of lessons weekly. I have one boarder, and might be getting another next week. But boarding will be limited to clients, and very small in number.  I have a couple people interested in bringing me horses for training which is lovely! Mostly though, I ride! I focus on my riding and training my horses, expanding and learning every day. But that will be my next post, my winter riding goals and where my horses are at. For now I feel caught up, and that life is good. Perfect? No, don't be silly.  But good, challenging, and changing. Which is what I like!

The Gift of Disobedience

"The horse is a mirror.  It goes deep into the body.  When I see your horse I see you too.  It shows me everything you are, everything about the horse.  I try and face life for what it is.  There's heartache, but its a good thing.  I'm trying to save the horse's life and your life too.  The human is so good at war. He knows how to fight.  But making peace; boy, that's the hardest thing for a human.  But once you start giving, you won't believe how much you get back."
                                                                                - Ray Hunt

Truer words have rarely been spoken.  I have had this quote in my head for several days, thinking it over and marvelling at its depth and insight.  Twice this week it has brought memories to mind with such clarity I knew I had to write about it.

Having a voice...
The first instance was when I read an article recommended to me on Facebook.  I clicked on it with some interest as the title mentioned 'Uncoachable Kids' but it was clearly an article about horses. The author was a dressage trainer and rider with a lengthy riding background and accolades to her name. It discussed her conclusion that, based on her experience most horses go through a period where they are indeed, un-coachable.  She described several younger horses and their resistance to the training that seemed to flair up, from refusing to go forward, to rearing and tail swishing, the list was a healthy description of what any person would consider negative behavior.  Her conclusion, though, was to me the biggest puzzle to it all.  She said she clamped her leg on, and pushed through it.  Now, I'll be honest I didn't save the article so there's probably more here.  But her conclusion bothered me, more so after reading numerous comments by people relieved to hear they weren't the only ones experiencing all these issues.  (A few, actually a number, commented that there were other ways to address these problems.)  Her conclusion, that horses can be un-coachable, or must be pushed through these behaviors to avoid becoming un-coachable, struck me as short sighted.  But this was just the first instance....


Silencing the voice....
A while back, I was at the barn working with a new horse.  While there a rider was working a horse in the arena as well, and I ended up witnessing another incident that springs to mind when reading that quote. The horse was quite pretty, but while they went around I observed the rider constantly wiggling (half-halting? Is that what it is now??) the reins to keep the horse very very low and very behind the vertical. The trot was rather slow, and uneven, and the effort the rider was making to keep it going showed when they leaned back and drew their leg up, the spur pressed into the horses side. If the horse did go more forward, head lifting slightly, it was quickly 'half-halted' down.  The neck of the horse had an awkward twist, and its mouth fought against the noseband to grind and gap, looking for relief.  The rider pulled up and asked a friend riding another horse how it looked. They commented it could be more forward, but 'at least the head was down'.  Even while talking if the horse dared to move or change its neck position it was quickly set back into place and told to "stop being a brat!", even getting a smack at one point.  I was told later that this horse was considered 'difficult' and despite being well on in years was just not advancing. The riders spurs were matted with hair....

When you stop listening....
At what point did we stop caring about what horses have to say? Why is what Ray Hunt said so profound? Shouldn't it be common sense? Why do we as humans feel its ok to treat horses, animals in general, like this?  Because we buy them? In a day and age that finds slavery abhorrent I find it amazing we miss it when its right under our noses.

"People have to learn that whatever the horse does is right.  You're the one who got into his life.... he didn't get into yours.  It's amazing what the horse will go through to satisfy a human being."

 -Ray Hunt

Amen, Ray.
I'm not saying horses are perfect. There will be genuine times of disobedience.  These times need to be handled with a firm, but fair hand. It corrects and then releases and rewards.  It creates a dialogue, a relationship between horse and human.  They become respectful friends and partners. They become dance partners. The horse is allowed, as a free being, to have an opinion.  An objection to when work feels hard, something hurts, or they just don't understand.  A slave is silenced.  A slave's hands (mouth, neck) is strapped down, bound closed, made powerless and voiceless.  A slave is told their opinion doesn't matter, their feelings don't matter, they don't matter.  And slaves are eventually driven down into obedience, becoming voiceless and resigned to it.  Horses eventually give up not because what we do to them is ok, but because we are relentless and they are smart enough to know they cannot fight our ego.

My Gift of Disobedience
My mare Anja taught me this.  She was a big, bold, outspoken young filly when I got her.  At 2 and 3 when I started doing basic training with her she was often incredibly reactive, easily distracted and prone to temper tantrums.  I was told I had to nip this in the bud, be tough, teach her to submit.  Now, I was and always have been very pro ground manners. Horses are big and powerful and have to live in our world so they need to learn to maneuver in it. But even these must be taught with the same care and precision and strength of character that teaching someone a new language requires.  Because isn't that what they are doing?? So yes, I was firm and didn't allow her to walk all over me.  But I was her translator to a new language, and I tried to always explain what was expected before getting firm.

Under saddle Anja could lock up and resist, or spook with amazing speed for such a massive horse. She was athletic, smart and agile. The voices telling me to be firm collided with reality of an intelligant, powerful animal.  I quickly realized that if I wanted to survive and thrive with my new girl I had to approach it differently.  So I did.  I began to work on the ground more, playing with her, teaching her to do different tricks, what I view as 'conversing' with her.  I still rode, but the play time taught me what she enjoyed doing, what she found easy, what she found hard, and what worked for getting her attention.  From there I applied it under saddle.  It was a long, slow journey,  filled with mistakes and some frustration, but instead of an angry dangerous horse I had a horse I could redirect when she got stuck.  And Anja taught me that resistance, disobedience is a gift. If you see it as communication, as a redirection, it will open up other strains of knowledge.  Yes, sometimes horses are naughty.  But mostly they are open, generous and loving. They daily take my breath away.  Anja is 12 now, and the difference in her is amazing to me.  She is my partner, and we love working together.  It is not perfect, but I am so happy with her progress.

You don't have to believe me.  But Ray's kinda hard to ignore....







 

Teacher #2: Royal Blue; Because Its Whats Inside That Counts

My Royal and I pre Surgery

Royal Blue
I was given Royal the Autumn before I lost Cajun.  He had just turned 4 and had come off the track with an injury that necessitated stall rest. He was at my then farriers barn, and after 3 months off I was asked if I would take him.  He seemed sound now, and he was free.  I was told he was extremely quiet but, ugly.  Maybe I could sell him down the road as a kids horse?  I agreed to take him, and he was delivered to my farm on a cool fall day.  He stepped off the trailer and I fell in love.

Why?  I have no idea.  He was little, maybe 15 hands at the wither?  He was all angles and points- 3 months spent on stall rest had shrunk his muscles and left his already small physique looking wasted. He had no topline, so his neck looked upside down and impossibly short.  He had this incredibly long, low back and sky-high withers that made him look like a 30 year old rescue.  And he was plain brown, all dull and dusty, with only a smudge of white on his forehead.  And grumpy!! He may have been quiet, but he stood with his ears pinned and his nose wrinkled like he had just bitten into a lemon.  Oh and he cribbed! Man did that horse crib!!

But those eyes! Something in those deep black eyes just got to me.  I knew within seconds of meeting his eyes that this was something special.  I also had an inkling when I put him into his stall one day, and he was in a rush to escape the cold. He tried to push past me in the doorway and I asked him to stop, back up and wait.  He tossed his beautiful little head at me and began to PIAFFE on the spot right there!  Not a tense western jog you sometimes see people brag about and think "um...Do you get what a piaffe is??" no, no my friends! He arched his neck, tucked his bum and piaffed.  And he met my eye and seemed to say "See? I'm pretty special, don't let this exterior fool you."

I took Royal to the barn I was leasing and began training him.  Right from the get go he was fun.  He had all the ex-racehorse issues that are normal- he liked to lean on the bit, his neck was stiff like a board, and bending?? Ha! Whats that??  He also had something I have come to realize is far more important then anything else; he had brains and heart.  He tried everything I asked of him, and he tried his heart out.  Slowly he began to lengthen his neck out and reach into the contact.  He began to bend.  He had a MASSIVE trot.  He may have stood 15 hands but he trotted like he was 17 hands, and man you better be ready for it because it took skill to ride.  His canter...Oh it was delightful, still one of the best I ever rode.  One day after a particularly good ride I got off and hugged him around his now muscular neck.  Instead of grumpy faces I now got nuzzled and with tears in my eyes I said to him "I promise I will always take care of you.  You will always be mine.  I will do anything for you, you are a gift".  I don't know why I said it, I honestly just blurted it out.  But those words would come to mean so much to me.

Royal improved at a steady pace.  He was my steady eddy, my guy I could ride through anything, very uncomplicated and very different from Cajun.  But he had his own quirks.  He continued to crib like a pro.  He also hated the extreme cold and the extreme heat, and bugs.  He would have been perfectly content living inside all the time.  He didn't particularly like other horses either.  He preferred to be left alone, and I often let him wander from paddock to paddock as he liked.  A good 6 months into training I began to notice some problems, a pattern really and I couldn't figure out what it meant.  My first ride of the week went awesome, my second went ok, but he was a little stiffer, and my 3rd ride was not good at all.  After a day off it started over until the 3rd ride when he was stiff, grumpy and his rhythm was all weird.  Something was up.  But he was sound on the lunge, the vet and farrier could see nothing, and after a saddle fitting appointment, his tack all fit well.  I analyzed video of my rides, I had people watch me work him, and I tried different techniques.  One day I did more stretchy work, one day I rode him up, and I even tried a half seat at canter.  The pattern not only continued, but slowly got worse.  Other things were popping up to.  Always a sensitive little guy, he occasionally got tummy aches when the weather changed, or when the bugs were bad.  But it was always mild, and he got over it quick.  But it began to happen more frequently and he often seemed genuinely uncomfortable.  I knew something was up but was at a loss.

Our second year together brought many changes.  I had lost Cajun, and had moved to a different leased barn.  Royal had made Cajuns passing bearable, giving me something to love and focus on. But as Spring turned to Summer Royals condition deteriorated.  He coliced more often, and my good rides were happening less frequently.  His bad rides were now full of resistance, his tail swishing and he was beginning to refuse to do things he always found easy. He felt lame and I felt lost.  The vet could find nothing wrong during a lameness exam, but later that day when I rode Royal he was off again.  Was it me?? Was it my training?  Finally during one ride the answer came out.  I asked Royal to trot and after 3 steps he bucked.  Hard.  Royal NEVER did that.  I jumped off, completely stunned, only to have Royal stretch out, and pee.  Blood.  Pure blood.

It took a urine test and 2 ultrasounds to realize that Royal had a massive bladder stone.  It would bounce around in his bladder when he was ridden gradually causing him pain.  As it grew, it took less time to cause him injury.  By now he was very ill, colicking daily and not wanting to move at all. The only cure was surgery in a city more then 8 hours away and costing several thousand dollars. What could I do?  I had promised him. I had to do this for him, he had given me so much.  Thankfully my parents decided to help me out, and I sent my sick little baby off for surgery. By the time he left he was so miserable I was scared he wasn't going to make it.

But he did.  And he came home to me 3 weeks later.  It took a few months for him to fully recover but he did that too.  He was like a new horse!  I rode him regularly, and his training progressed like never before.  He started canter half pass on my front lawn 8 months after his surgery, we played with canter pirouettes, and we even worked on piaffe half steps.  The only trouble he had was with the flying changes to the left- the side his massive scar was on.  The surgeon warned me about scar tissue and how it could interfere with his movement at some point.  Still he did them, we eventually even got 3 tempis and could do canter zig zags with changes. I just had to really set him up for them and he was sometimes a bit late.  He was such a beauty with his muscular topline and his brilliant red coat. He still had his high withers and his long back but I thought he was stunning.

I cannot describe those rides to you.  He felt huge, 17 hands as we flew around on the grass in my front yard. I just thought things and he did them.  He made me feel special, light as a feather and floating on a cloud. It all sounds cliche, but it was so true.  I often had tears in my eyes, loving every minute of being with him. I could feel his happiness, and he could feel mine.  I loved seeing him every morning and hugging him goodnight at the end of the day.

I lost him 2 years ago this spring.  He coliced, and it was bad right from the start.  He threw himself down so hard his head began to swell. I had to end it, end his pain. The vets think he had so much scar tissue it broke off and obstructed his intestine.  He was 15.

I remember one time after his surgery I took my Royal Blue to a clinic.  Leading him into the arena the clinician saw his long back and high hip and began to discuss how limited he would be.  As I tightened the girth and climbed aboard I thought I could see Royal smirk as he looked at me.  "Who is this guy?? Who does he think he is?" he almost seemed to say.  I warmed up Royal and began to work, and suddenly the clinicians voice had stopped.  We worked thru Royals skills, he flowed around that arena giving it his all. The clinician called me over for a break and laughed. "I am so sorry!  This horse is not limited at all! What a cool horse!"  I swear Royal nodded.  See, I never let Royal know he was limited.  Who said he was?  Just because he wasn't perfect?  Because he wasn't a million dollar warmblood?  Royal knew exactly who he was, and that I believed in him and that made him unstoppable.

He taught me to never judge any horse by how they look, or what you think they can do.  Give any of them a chance and they will usually blow your door off.  Most horses are held back not by any physical ailments, although I know that is a reality for some.  No, most are held back by their riders focusing on their weakness, on what they are not instead of what they are.  Good training should improve the horse and keep it sound.  It should be something that strengthens them and lifts them up not wears them out.  Royal taught me that. I wasn't perfect, but neither was he.  It worked.

Royal and I at the only show I took him too. 

Royals death knocked the wind out of me.  I headed into a depression that lasted months, that sucked the joy out of me, and left me a grieving mess.  But slowly, God lead me out of it.  I struggled, but He understood my pain, and brought some amazing things into my life.  Royal was a gift from God.  And he was taken because he had taught me the lesson he was sent to teach me.  And it changed my life. I was given more gifts instead, not too replace Royal, but to remind me.  Life is not perfect, and it can hurt.  But only by feeling the hurt can we feel the joy as well.

The Teachers. Teacher #1: Cajun, The Human Whisperer

This post has been a long time coming, and I feel the need to explain why.  I have sat down to write it several times, but each time I closed up my laptop with the excuse that I had things to do, and that the summer was to short to sit in front of a computer screen.  I'm partially right.  This summer has been very busy, as summers usually are, filled with lessons, horses to ride and fun outdoor things to do. But there are always those rainy, stormy days and why didn't I use those days to continue the story? Well, because this part of the story is the more emotional section and I didn't know if I could take it. As happy as many of my experiences with my horses have been, the sad times-far fewer though they may be- have been life altering.  Do I really want to reopen those wounds??

I guess I do!  I feel the need to suddenly, so whilst the spirit moves me I figured I should get my butt in gear.  So the next few posts will be spent introducing the different horses in my life and their impact on me.  I'm not bringing up every horse I have ever met or worked with.  That probably would take all summer and who has the time?  Instead I am going to share with you the big ones, the ones that I owned and shared my life with and how they changed me.  I will go in a somewhat chronological order, although obviously some things will be skipped over.  My biggest motivation to rehash this is I want to set the stage for the blog posts I want to write next.  I want to eventually delve into my current training, the set up of my training farm now, and my future goals.  But this foundation needs to be laid first, so lets get started with my first teacher.

Cajun (aka: Mesmerized) 

Cajun was a tb mare I bought in my early twenties.  I had been leasing a older horse that I rode and trained to use to get my coaching certificate thru Equine Canada.  That accomplished, his owner informed me she was moving away and taking him with her.  I was happy for him as it meant a life of retirement, but now horse-less I knew I needed to find another project.  I found Cajun at a nearby barn where she was being sold to cover unpaid boarding bills. She was 12, very pretty, but had been left sitting in the field for 2 years.  Before that I was told she had been a low level hunter, used occasionally in lessons, and was quiet.  Perfect! She fit the bill, as I could train and show her to help grow and advertise my newly found teaching business and I could use her in lessons as well. A win-win! The day I tried her out was cold and snowy and I had to walk her to the neighbouring indoor arena.  She was a little jumpy and pushy, but hey, I thought, 2 years of doing nothing will do that to a girl. She was fairly steady under saddle despite the arena being dark and creaky, and the seller was willing to budge on the asking price (she had bills to pay!) so I went ahead and bought her.

It is always true that the worms really do come out after the rain.  The day I led Cajun into the barn I was working out of several boarders greeted me with "Ohhhh... You bought THAT Cajun..."  and sad little smiles.  The stories then came fast and hot. She was a terrible hunter, had taken to stopping (oh the horror!!).  Used in lessons?? HA! Not that spooky mess, she was a CHESTNUT mare for heavens sake.  I gulped and looked over at me new life partner with a bit less optimism.

It turned out they were mostly right.  Cajun was quirky.  She pulled back the SECOND you tied her up.  She spooked at everything.  Good luck getting her into a trailer! Even the sight of a jump in the arena made her toss her head and refuse to walk towards it.  The first month of my training her was all ground work.  I did manage to improve the tying situation, and she even began loading without a fight.  But man, she was spooky, even on the lunge! Anything would set her off, and even after you got her past something she may decide, 3 calmly executed circles later, that it was indeed trying to kill her again.  Under saddle her improvements where slow but steady.  She was a lovely mover with lots of energy, but touch the reins or ask her to bend? No thanks!  She threw her head up, and flung herself sideways. As I got better at anticipating the sideways action, she choose to go backwards, swinging her head side to side. I read books and magazines and watched videos and came to realize Cajun had issues with contact (from her past?) that affected her whole body.  I kept working at it, both on the ground and doing gentle exercises under saddle.  We improved enough to go to our first show that fall and ride a training level test.  Cajun held it together, and did pretty good, scoring in the low 60's and even getting a ribbon.  I was happy but I knew we needed to keep progressing to get past her issues.

Worrying that my youth, unsteadiness and inexperience was causing or encouraging the problems I decided to take some lessons with an instructor (I will call her Coach M) I had known since my early teens.  She wasn't a dressage coach per se, but she had lots of experience with many different disciplines. She had helped me get my coaching certificate, and was now expanding her business into the lower level dressage arena, so why not?  I needed some advice! A few lessons in however I realized it wasn't just me, and it wasn't just Cajun, and Coach M might not have any answers.  The lessons consisted of trying to 'fix' Cajun by "driving her into the contact" and telling me over and over again how bad Cajun was and how my riding wasn't good enough.  Ok, fair enough, I was just a 21 year old, which in dressage terms equals 'infant' but even I could tell this training tactic wasn't fixing anything.  Cajuns reactions got even more violent, at one point causing Coach M to yell "what the hell is wrong with her??".  That fall I made some huge changes.  Thanks to a massive shoulder injury I obtained cleaning the boarding barn I was teaching out of, I ended up losing my position there and all my students.  I was also asked to take my mare and go, and my list of students was handed over to, you guessed it, Coach M. I now had no income, a bum shoulder and no place to ride.

I ended up leasing a barn and arena not far from the previous place.  I moved Cajun, along with my other new horse and a few loyal clients, and started from scratch.  I was actually very happy, as I got to care and handle my Cajun girl all the time, and I felt like our relationship deepened.  She became happier, less spooky, and our training improved even more.  I studied classical authors and explored different methods trying them on Cajun. We spent an amazing winter together, and I knew come spring first level would be well within our abilities.  

 But my frustration hit its maximum the weekend of our first show that spring. The issues began in the warm up where she did her head tossing and run backwards, but this time also she bucked.  She was genuinely upset, and I did what I could to calm her.  Our name was called all to soon, and my heart sunk as instead of halting and saluting, we were flying around the ring backwards.  Defeated I excused myself, and lead her back to the barn.  After some thought I decided to shake it off and not get angry.  Cajun was upset and me getting frustrated wasn't going to help, it was only going to make communication harder.  My new plan? Just get her out and try and get her to relax.  I gave her an hour to relax and chill and then I took her out and led her around the show.  I put her away again and then took her out and lightly lunged her.  I repeated that the remainder of the first day and all morning the next.  By the time I needed to warm up she had been out and about seeing the sights so much she was bored.  And it WORKED!!  The second day of the show she was a super star, and we even got a ribbon! I was elated!

Coach M wasn't impressed.  She met me at my barn for a recap of the weekends adventure, and let me know what a let down I was.  She glared at me and said "You accomplished nothing at that show." Her sage advice?  Next time the mare even hinted at refusing to go forward I was to pull out my whip and beat her.  I am sure my mouth was hanging open as she spoke those words, but the last ones stunned me even more.  "You embarrassed me" she hissed.  I don't remember what happened after that, what she said, or when she left.  I felt like I had been slapped across the face.

I sat down and analyzed everything she had said, everything that had happened at the show.  And after much thought and many tears I came to an important conclusion.  I didn't care what she thought. I didn't care if I had embarrassed her.  This wasn't about her, it wasn't about me.  It was about that pretty red mare, that mare who had been through some shit and was trying to figure it all out.  My self esteem, my ego didn't matter.  What mattered was I loved that mare, and she was trying her heart out to grow and learn to trust me. She was truly joyful now, both to be around and to ride.  I was getting somewhere with her.  I needed to trust the process and myself.  I truly felt like Cajun was telling me what she needed and I needed to listen to her.

I stopped taking lessons with Coach M (MUCH criticism followed that move) and began to just work on myself.  I videoed myself and picked it apart.  I went to clinics, I read books and watched training DVDs.  And I continued to show Cajun all summer.  Our next show wasn't perfect, but by our third and fourth show we were on track.  She no longer hesitated going into the ring.  She was lovely and soft in the arena and she was the calm, relaxed horse in the warm up ring!  We won hi point at 3 shows in a row.  I was so proud of her!

I rode all the next winter with 2nd level in our sight.  She was like a new horse, my little rock star! She was my buddy, and I loved her more then I had let myself love a horse in a long time.  In early spring I attended a clinic where we did very well and got the thumbs up for trying out 2nd level.  The show was a few weeks away, but I was so excited to have fun with my girl all summer.  The Monday after the clinic I gave her the day off.  I put her rain sheet on, turned her out in her field and went for lunch.  I returned to the barn an hour and a half later to find her dead in the grass.

Cajun taught me an amazing lesson.  Listen to your horse.  Hear what they are trying to say.  Those silly spooks or resistant head tosses aren't them being jerks.  They are trying to say things to you in their language.  LISTEN!  If they know you are on their side, doing whats best for them, trying to make their lives better they will do ANYTHING for you. It is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to know what is good training, what is bad, and what is harmful.  They bear the brunt of it.  I lost her, but I can look back on our time together with such joy because I know she was happy.  She taught me to listen. And because I listened, she gave me her soul.  Oh, I still miss her, I am crying as I type this.  But I honestly have no regrets!

Cajun winning Hi Point 1st Level.  She did that 3 shows in a row.

So...Now what??

I ended staying only 3 months at Coach T's.  And while you probably read that story and wonder if I got anything good out of the experience I have to tell you I really did! But on returning home I was exhausted and drained, and spent the rest of the summer recovering.  I really questioned whether I really even wanted to ride again. The reality of the dressage world hit me, and hit me hard.  These changed my hopes and dreams, and awoke me to another reality.

1) Money counts.  Big time!  Oh I know, you want to tell me its just an excuse, just something us poor girls cry out from the sidelines, but isn't really true! You just need some pluck, some hard work, a can-do spirit!  Anyone can make it!  HA! Yeah right!  First of all, lets all acknowledge that, no matter what type of riding you do, it's expensive.  Even owning a horse in your backyard to trail ride on is a costly endeavour.   Once you start showing, the tack, the clothes, the trailers, the memberships....yeesh.  A car is a cheaper investment.  There's board and vet and farrier, all the more involved if you have a show horse.  And let's face it, if you wanna ride against the big boys, you can't do it on Charger the trail horse.  At Coach T's they wouldn't even look at a horse unless it came from Germany, had an all-star pedigree, and cost as much as my house.  Seriously.  Nothing North American bred.  That attitude might be changing, but it doesn't translate into cheaper prices.  And if you want to REALLY compete, you can't have just one mount!  Along side the Prix St Georg trained star, you need to have an up and coming star.  And maybe a third slightly lower level trained pony that you can pull out when ol'Superstar tweaks a tendon and is off for a year.  If you don't come from deep pockets, you can try for sponsorship, although these can be fickle.  I saw more then one heart broken young rider get a letter from their sponsor telling them the well was dry.  Average income earner?  Good luck! Hope you have a secret horse supplier no one else knows about!  Most of us have jobs we have to work, and don't get to train daily with a top trainer.  But oh no, money means nothing....

** Oh I can hear you all now!  "She's so negative! So and so made it to the Olympics and she didn't have money or sponsors! "  Sorry,  so that one person did it!  Every once in a while they let one of us sad poor girls into the inner circle to keep us all hoping, showing and buying sparkly breeches.

2) Its a nasty place to be.  I stood on the sidelines, I heard all the inner gossip, the stories floating around from one barn to another.  It wasn't pretty! It was ugly and competitive and just plan nasty. Those big fancy barns with the velvet carpets and diamond studded horses were not peaceful, horse filled retreats. No! The people (mostly women) riding and training there were aggressive, harsh, and they were not going to be pushed around.  One minute they loved a certain barn and trainer (oh, the gushing! oh, the infinite declarations of love!), the next they had packed up and moved on leaving behind a mess of stories and frustrated barn staff.  Yup, the fickleness of it all still surprises me.  But it was considered normal, and was in itself almost a sport.  I grew tired of it all very quickly.

3) It's not really about the training.  Ok, it kinda is.  Some of those trainers I watched at the show were good.  Even Coach T was amazingly knowledgeable, and gave me so much great advice.  And he even really liked my riding!  But when you're in the ring, so much can be hidden.  So many flaws, so many glaring issues can disappear with a certain type of riding. Although you warmed them up over bent and tense, the show ring was a different story. A good trainer would easily get beat by a flashy show trotting horse that looked like it constantly passaged everywhere.  It was all about expression and flair; good basics and flowing horses didn't matter.  An expressive front end hid the flaws of training.  It was all very interesting to sit back and take in, but in the end who paid the cost?

4) People ride for many different reasons.  They show, they spend the money, for many different reasons.  Some love to be competitive, some love to show off fancy horses in sparkly breeches, some honestly want to show off their horse and training.  But different reasons present different pictures and some are all sparkle, no depth.  It was easy to see who's motives were more honest then others. But in the end the picture I came back with was dressage was big business, and I wasn't sure how my world and it would ever fit together.

By the end of summer I realized it wouldn't fit together.  That world was out of my league, and I honestly didn't want to be there anyways. That summer was the first time in my life I dreaded going to the barn.  I didn't look forward to my lessons.  I just plain didn't want to be there! So I spent the remainder of the summer at home staring out my window at my horses.  I rode my tb on my lawn, I watched Classical Dressage videos, I read books by Anja Beran and Phillipe Karl, and I tried desperately to find my way back.  And it was during those times that I realized that horses were a journey.  The part I didn't like about my whole experience was that they made the destination the sole focus.  It was an idol that they sacrificed everything for.  For me, it was about the riding, the training, but also about so much more.  I wanted to know each horse, I wanted them to teach me. I wanted it to change my life, to shape my life.  I wanted horse to be more then just ribbons and money and sponsorships.  Not that all those things can't help or can't be a part of it.  But I didn't want it to become the reason behind everything. I wanted to help train horses and people in a way that showed it could be done gently with a happy horse and rider.

I emerged from that summer feeling more focused, like I had a mission.  I couldn't change the dressage world, that world didn't interact with mine in a decisive way.  But I could change the way I saw it, and the way I rode and handled my horses.  I could teach and ride the classical way, no matter who frowned on it, and help along anyone else who had the same ideals.  I would try and learn from my horses and let them be my teachers.

In my next blog post (or 2) I'll introduce you to the horses who changed and shaped my life. My teachers.

Little Greyson says Hi!